“Social Distancing”

              (We’ve been practicing it for years)

Masters of an art, 10,000 hours borne

That we never knew existed

Through time and space, a memory

Of youthful laughs and carefree smiles

(Did it ever happen, love, or was perhaps a dream?)

Did Love dance there, the impish muse that knew

No burden of the adult life, no boundaries..

Yet Time goes on

Love blossoms strong in one’s own breast

While childhood fantasy locks the other down…

Did you not see

the earnest eyes

so bright and true,

that oceans you did fill

Your ignorance of nearby bliss

Her tears unseen….

Youth’s folly kept ethereal miles, between and betwixt

Two hearts,

One firm, one false.

Yet still Love lingered, waiting, wondering.

As seeming Tragedy did come

trajectories did arc in space and

nearness came the norm,

Yet social norms, and published vows.

Like Jericho’s Walls did keep apart

And distant from the thoughts.

The sweet ambrosia, milk and honey

No horn of Joshua to be played, as one did finger its forbidden touch,

Yet other did its crypt declare, and lay it down in fortress deep,

The social norms and adult pride a lock

That no mere mortal keys

Yet Love did linger, older now

Its noble visage so engraved across

The heart of one, whose folly ceased, now

Began to see with eyes made fresh,

Through years of hope past scorned.

Alas! The now strong beating of a heart

so near, so close, to what it favors most,

Has found its Juliet lies cold and wasted

buried ‘neath the weight

Of parenthood, duty, honor, life…

He had no chance to say goodbye, his gaze

in past on miles distant, while true

she lay dying in his sight.

 

But as he grew, she so slowly slipped away, the heart grows cold

when fertile fields made barren, laid to waste.

But,

Is it Hades dark, or merely Morpheus that lingers near,

To dull and ease the burdens of the heart, that Love once awakened far away?

 

Love lingers near

no longer gamboling in flowery fields and sun-drenched skies

but walking quietly through the stacks,

Fidelity, honor, respect of self,

All armor forged more cold and grey

Then any iron made by smith,

He feels the steady beat, then surge

then look to die as source so near,

so coldly slices through his feeble arms

lifted up in hope yet shattered to the ground.

But each time, the fading light close to expire is wakened to a look, a sigh, a smile,

And Hope, Love’s eternal companion, does hint at distance closing,

The spark enough to spur the fire’s yearning

The memory of a conflagration, bond (Oh! Were it but a dream!)

 

Then hard and fast the final gate comes down

Deployed by one, ignored by he, yet manacled to its iron grid by her command,

By her demand.

She hides behind it now, its visage lovely, fresh and clean,

She sees a home, who sleeps in Morpheus’ grip and lives the dream,

While he a prison, cold and bare,

And cast upon the mantle of the gate,

 

Ne’er to be removed, its harsh letters a beacon to the world.

Boundaries!  The final gulf,

The abyss that cannot be crossed,

The mountain not to be climbed

The ocean never to be swum

It throws its shadow cross the land,

And distance more created ‘tween two souls.

It lays waste to guilt, to despair, to fear, and lifts one’s soul to respectability

Preeminence in this world,

While joy, happiness, passion, fun

Are left to find their way through perils dear, and monstrous thorns.

Yet even in the cold, safe net of Boundaries’ realm,

Walks softly Love, with Hope forever at Love’s side,

The tread is slow, the hair is gray, and soon to enter in the twilight of this time,

Yet eyes still glow with joy and affection

happiness and passion

comfort and peace.

It holds his heart near to its embrace, ready ever to bring it close to its desire

The beating faintly, yet still firm, saddened by lost years yet never bitter

for in Love’s embrace

It is patient, kind, and does not grow cold or angry,

But merely accepts,

And loves from afar.

He is older now, and through the distance,

barriers,

walls,

abyss,

years,

time…

He understands.  Finally

And Love smiles and holds him dear.

 

The distance that abounds, is of our own desire,

Two flames united, can a city burn,

Upend a home,

Destroy a future,

Expand exponentially into

A flame so blazing fierce in its glory,

That none can but look at it in awe.

As it sucks the oxygen from the sphere,

Devastating all around…and leaving only ashes, cold and grey

This distance, social distance

means the future conflagration never shall have its birth.

It is good.

And yet, he weeps.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The darkness came to me last night; it was as though an indigo cloak was billowing over my life, threatening to land everywhere and nowhere specifically. When I tried to focus on an area that was threatened with its cover, the darkness would billow up and float away, but it stayed…hovering over, making no part of life safe from its future touch.

I had somehow misplaced my shell, that hard protective wall I had created over the many years of my life to keep the darkness at bay. I was suddenly vulnerable.

Where was the sun, the brightness of life? Was this my personal eclipse, temporary but all encompassing, where happiness would be kept at bay for only a little while? Or was this real, and the brightness I usually felt only due to my denial of what I refused to feel?

This was different from any time before; this time there was no fear. No fear. I was not afraid, nor was there any element of anger or loathing. In fact, my life seemed to be unaffected by the darkness. This was not a call to change my life, or to do something different, or for me to act in a certain way in the future. This was not fear.

This was sadness.

Sadness that my mother is old. Sadness that I may not have helped my children as best I could. Sadness that people I know do not get along with each other. Sadness that people are leaving my life; some quickly, some drifting away slowly, day by day.

Sadness that people in my life are hurting, and I may not be aware of it. Sadness that I may be the cause of the pain some people feel. Sadness that I have not done enough in my life, to ease the suffering of those around me.

Sadness that all this will end. Life will end. I will end.

Real sadness. Gut wrenching sadness, where tears can’t come and I can’t accept their relief, this is something that demands to be felt.

Along with the sadness comes compassion, understanding of all the people who are afraid, fearful, angry, hurt, and see no way out of it but more anger and hate. The feelings and emotions roll over me, and I feel the anger, experience the hurt. I wish it could all go away with a hug, but life isn’t quite that easy. Life has to be this way, and it has to be felt.

With the dawn, gray though it is, the sadness suddenly seems to lift, and the cloak of darkness drifts up and dissipates. We are only people, and we can only do our best. That our best may not be good enough at times has to be accepted-there will be sadness.

I see my shell. I see how it is wrong, it provides a false sense of reality, one that offers me freedom from sadness and suffering. I know it offers a life that is not real.
I am grateful to crawl back into it.

I was tired, frustrated, angry. In trying to accept everything that happened to me in life, I brought it in, but forgot to let it go. It built up upon me, layer by layer, until I was feeling crushed under the weight of all of it. What was the “It”? Expectations, responsibility, jealousy, worry, fear, hurt…all those feelings and emotions crept in, and I had simply forgot to let them go.

***********************************************************

A strong worker had decided to explore life elsewhere. An second associate expressed concern about the direction of the enterprise, and her fear of being older and lacking certainty-a certainty she wanted me to provide. Another associate felt angry over numerous issues, and both had announced with certainty (the only certainty that seemed to exist!) that the staff interaction was “dysfunctional”, and I was to blame for various reasons. Our workload was extremely busy, and I felt the strong need and expectations of our clients, who had become more like friends. Deadlines seemed to emerge from all quarters, some real and some imaginery; the imaginery deadlines the result of other people’s improperly managed stress, expectations and fear.

The Florida businesses had finally started to produce results, but needed care at this early stage. The New Jersey businesses were generating significant cash flow, and the workload had to be managed. The ever changing world also demanded that one eye be kept on the future, so that the businesses could grow and continue to develop. Websites, media presentations, virtual marketing, and all of the emerging ways to communicate with the potential clientele all had to be understood, implemented and managed.

Although the businesses were fairly successful, the nagging doubts circled like gnats on a warm summer day. Was this all going to fall apart tomorrow, due to some mistake, change in the law, unforeseen problem? Was this really the right direction to take? Could we have done better if we had gone in another direction? Was one business taking on too many resources and not producing the right results? What steps should we be taking to make sure we had the best future?

The nagging doubts about the businesses were actually the easier doubts to handle, as they kept me from the bigger questions that threatened to overwhelm me. Why was I doing this? How did this enhance my life? What was my view of life, and how did this fit in to that view? My family issues were complex, as all seem to be. I had made friends in numerous places around the world, but there never seemed to be enough time to spend with them. Some people accepted the time constraints, but others placed (well intentioned) pressure on me to spend time with them. Sometimes that pressure was placed internally by me, on myself.

I felt the weight of responsibility on me for friends, staff, clients, family-a weight that should have been acknowledged and let go, but instead settled into a comfortable position on me. For some people my responsibility was financial, for others it was resolving their issues; some needed emotional support, while others wanted assurances that the future would be okay (I consistently felt short on that one!). The decisions I made each day seemed to impact on one or more of these perceived responsibilities, and I began to listen to the criticism of those people impacted by my decisions. It built up into a vicious cycle, as I started to make decisions and take actions based on what others wanted, on what others feared.

I forgot everything I had learned. I didn’t acknowledge it and let it go, instead I let it all build up until it seemed to threaten my existence and my sanity. I was not going to let that happen. Something had to give.

*************************************************************

I blew up.

That really is the only word for it. I released all the negative feelings and energy that I had accumulated in a barrage of angry words and actions, while withdrawing into a self pitying state that dared anybody to venture near me. For an entire day I was filled with anger and hateful thoughts, as I was getting emotionally ready to wreck havoc on those who did not appreciate me, had used me, had created the situation that had caused all this pressure and pain. I wanted vengence for every perceived slight, pressure, obligation, and harm that had been placed on me, whether real or imaginery. It was ugly, it was brutal…

….it was exhausting.

********************************************************************************

That night I sat in silence, worn out by my day of childish behavior. I felt deep down how harmful it was to have kept those feelings bottled up, and how silly I was for acting with so much anger and rage for a whole day. It had only temporarily eased the pressure; I was aware that it was slowly creeping back. If I did nothing it would simply cause a repeat of my day’s foolishness, and continue to repeat with more and more frequency.

I had some work to do.

Luckily, my day blowing up had been mostly internal; I had not taken the external steps to carry out my imagined vengence! A few people close to me had felt the change in my mood, and I would have to reach out for them. To the rest of the world I would engage with compassion, love and peace, for both them and me.

My first step was to forgive myself, and realize I was human. I let go of this negative period, and allowed myself to move on. The next step was to sit and breathe, and fill my heart and soul with gratitude. There is so much to be thankful for, and so much going on in the world that deserves our compassion. I wanted that to be my base, and I breathed into that state.

I then mentally went through all of the things that had created the pressure, whether people, thoughts, emotions, fears, circumstances, obligations…whatever had created the weight and pressure that had caused me to withdraw and then blow up. They had been real to me, and if I did not let them go then they would stay and continue their mischief. I looked at each one as a gift, an expression of love from some higher power that had been given to me as a guide. I acknowledged the gift, mentally noted what it was trying to tell me, then sent it on its way. I understood that those messages were a subtle way of letting me know that changes were ready to happen in my life, and that I had to let the changes happen. The accumulated baggage, the weight of my past and the weight of an expected future, had no place in my life.

I now sit and breathe, filled with gratitude and love, and open to whatever the day brings. I will follow my path and take the steps, but I will not take the past with me. I will live for today, and always try to remember to forget.

 

 

 

As life rushes by, through and around us, it may seem hard to feel that we have a certain amount of control over our lives. By slowing it all down, and simply spending time with ones self, breathing deeply and strongly, we can begin to experience where we are and what we are doing. The calmness and serenity allows us to be ourselves, and see where we are on this life journey, what path we are following.

The benefit of simply enjoying quiet solitude is well documented, and understood at a core level by its daily practitioners. While there are various meditations that can be learned and practiced (including quieting of the mind to achieve a high level of serenity), there is no need to learn anything to get started. Merely find a quiet place, sit and breathe. That is the beginning, and the benefits are incredible. From that point you can take whatever path of meditative knowledge seems to call you.

One benefit of quiet breathing, is that it allows us to become aware of feelings that we do not allow to enter into our thinking. Our conscious mind safeguards us from so much, that it will prevent thoughts that may cause us discomfort from entering into our consciousness. Thoughts of actions that may produce fear, social unease or possible censure are disregarded or banned from our thoughts. Yet the need for those thoughts still remains, and failure to address them may cause the action to manifest anyway-and lead one to wonder why their life is “out of control”.

One of the areas we can control is who we associate with, who are our lovers, friends and even family. We get so used to interacting with them and being cognizant of their wants and needs, that it becomes a fixture in our lives. We act in the same way, go through the same habits, and react with the same patterns each time they are around, and we do so gladly. When someone accepts us, we feel the urge to accept them, and feel grateful for it.

With solitude and breathing, we gain clarity and insight into our relationships, and with our mind quiet, have no judge to censure our thoughts. The path of our life becomes clearer, and we realize how much control we have over it. We begin to understand that certain relationships, once nurturing and helping us on our path, may have become toxic and even impede the path we are on. We need to allow the relationship to change, or perhaps end it. The thought is illuminating, but it is not without fear and sadness.

We also realize that we may be impeding the path of a loved one or friend, through the way in which we interact with them. Since it is their path, such a realization should be communicated to the person, and changes made.

Our relationships impact our lives significantly, yet we fail sometimes to exercise any control over those relationships. It takes courage to look at our relationships objectively, because our emotional well being is often tied into them. By calming oneself and breathing deeply, we can access that place of nonjudgmental objectivity, and realize that there is nothing of which to be afraid. We realize that as we change, the relationships we have in our lives, and sometimes the people in them, need to change also. By being aware of our relationships, both good and bad, we can begin the process of taking control of our lives.

 

He knew he had died; the headlights from the oncoming car had caused him to turn the wheel, and send his own vehicle hurtling over the bridge. If he had survived, he would have been in severe pain and most likely be fused with pieces of metal, glass and wire. Yet he wasn’t; he was instead standing fairly comfortably, in a well-lit room.

The room was essentially bare, with no furniture, floor covering or items on the wall. In fact, he wasn’t sure there even was a wall. The room seemed to have no physical barriers that were visible, but he could sense a short distance in each direction. It was as though the air itself had solidified at some point, without having any impact on the openness of the area.

He found he was comfortable, and not at all anxious, curious or scared. If he could put a word to how he felt, it would simply be “fine”. There was no reason why he felt fine, but everything seemed perfectly suitable to him. He realized that during life he might’ve found himself anxious to be in such a strange situation, and would have desperately tried to understand and find the way out of the room. If his attempts at either understanding or escape had failed, then he would’ve most likely become angry or afraid. He knew this because it was himself, and the truths about himself suddenly had become clear. Yet, now those truths didn’t seem to apply, or even matter.

He stood, completely content, alone with his thoughts and musings. As he did, he became aware of another anomaly – there was an absence of time. He couldn’t explain it, not even to himself, but it became true with his growing awareness. It wasn’t that he didn’t mind the passage of time, it was simply that time didn’t exist. And again, he was perfectly fine with that.

A presence was in the room with him, a presence he had not been aware of prior to that thought. The presence was both himself and not himself, a conflicting position that seemed perfectly normal in that room. It was as though his thoughts had manifested into another being. This presence was separate and outside of him, yet also a part of him.

“We all are” said the presence. He looked and saw the shape of a beautiful woman, with gray eyes and silver hair. She was magnificently ancient and impossibly beautiful, yet radiated a sense of peace and tranquility that permeated his whole being. He realized that this was love, and knew that he was radiating it also, for she was he. He was struck by the deep, pure beauty that she possessed, yet he had no desire to hold her, possess her or join with her. For he already was her, and the love he felt could not be greater.

He knew he could stay there forever, the waves of love completing him, its infinite supply washing over him. Yet he somehow knew it wasn’t to be.

“The life examined” she said with a smile. “Your chance to rewrite and add what you want to the story”.

No words or images came into his mind when she spoke these words, instead an understanding went through him, and an awareness of the totality of his existence on earth. He was aware most of all as to how finite it seemed; how brief and tiny all of the major events had been.

“Money?” She said with a smile. He thought of the dollars he had sought to obtain, the dirty bills and harsh coinage that served as funds for living. How ugly it now seemed! It was nothing more than a servant, used to allow one to obtain things in life.

He saw the wealth of the richest men of his time, stacked up in giant piles, and he realized how small those previously great fortunes now seemed. All that wealth could only buy things, and only if the possessors of those things sought were willing to exchange them for money. He saw a young man with mansions around the world, all furnished with mattresses luxurious and firm and sheets of finest silk, and suddenly realized that the man could not find a decent night’s sleep in any of them. The man could not sleep well in any one of them, for the demands of maintaining such wealth was constantly on the man’s mind.

He also saw a person with a single sized bed, who climbed onto a lumpy mattress after a long day of hard labor, next to a woman who was simply content to feel him next to her. That man slept soundly, and the love that flowed next to and around them increased throughout the night.

He looked back again at the treasures stockpiled by the wealthy, and saw an amazing transformation. The money began to change, and impish faces appeared as ghostly figures in the dollars and coins. The figures were not malicious, but had eyes that sparkled with the joy of trouble. The money began to form into manacles, cuffs, chains, giant walls and barriers, and even fortresses and prisons. The impish faces were laughing as the transformations occurred, clearly enjoying themselves.

The items formed looked harsh and oppressive, and quite forbidding. Yet to his amazement he saw those who had the wealth willingly put the chains and manacles on and go inside, and wall themselves into the prisons that had been created. He saw some who didn’t have wealth feel rejected and upset, and watched as those people stood in line to try and find a piece of chain to slip over their wrist, or bind themselves to a manacle attached to the walls. It was a giant multitude, begging to be chained and imprisoned.
The effect of this was staggering. The manacles and chains, fortresses and walls were effective barriers to the free-flowing of love. Yet, those who sought the barriers seemed to do so because they desired to be loved, and believed that binding themselves to wealth would achieve that purpose. No wonder the imps were smiling! He saw this clearly as it played out in front of him, and he also saw the woman by his side was smiling. She didn’t have to ask if he wanted Money; she knew the answer.

“Would you want Fame?” she murmured. He then saw the life of the famous, near famous and not so famous before him, with accolades raining upon them from a giant horde of people. He saw the adoring glances from fans and admirers; men and women with desire in their eyes, longing to be like the famous.

Then one particular young man caught his attention- a young Adonis, with hair of gold, eyes shining bright with a strong glistening body with shoulders held high, his face firmly looking to the future. It was the image of success. Around the young Adonis sparkled lights of various colors, darting in and out of the man, with one light more fixed and bright. He realized that these lights represented the young man’s talents and desires. Most of his talent existed in a yet unformed state, and darted in and around the young man. The lights came from the young man’s desire to use these talents in their many shapes and forms. It was beautiful to see.

The one fixed light represented the talent currently used by the young man, which burned bright with his ambition and desire. It was this talent that the world craved, that fixed his fame among the multitude. It was what separated him from everyone else, and others desired to be part of it.

He saw the man enjoying the fame at first. Then two events occurred as time went on – the multitude became possessive of the young man, and began to demand more and more time and attention from him. Also, his desire to continue with the talent began to wane, as other talents within the young man began to mature. As the young man’s desire shifted, he began trying out the other talents. The mood of the multitude changed, and grew angry, and became ugly towards the young man. Fearful of losing his fame, he went back to his original talent. All was well, as the multitude brightened, but perhaps not as brightly as before. The talent desired by the multitude grew brighter still, while the talents unused dimmed.

He saw this pattern repeated throughout the young man’s life. Each time he tried to pull away from his original talent, the multitude turned on him, demanding that he return to the talent that they loved. Meanwhile, his other talents, at first bright and strong, began to wan. After a time, the light around the talents ignored began to turn into gray, ashen like colors, then dim and go dark.

He continued to look and saw the once young Adonis at middle age, a person old before his time. His body was still tall and strong, the result of plastic surgery and medication, but the fire in his eyes was no longer there. They were dull and listless. Around him lay dark, ugly, misshapen objects, which represented talents lost or ignored. His single original talent, now dark with lack of desire, still maintained its original shape, and there were still those around him who were fascinated by it.

He saw the now aged man reach out for one of the few remaining talents that still held its shape, and still flickered with some brightness. A snarl emitted from the multitude, and his hand withdrew.

He experienced all this, and realized that the once young man was now trapped in a walled cage of his own making. His image was solidified by his fame, and the public would not accept any changes from that image, would not accept him for being who he was. The lure of fame was too much for him, and he sacrificed his life to stay in the limelight.

He saw the same story repeated throughout the world, in all areas – people who became trapped in the image they were when they achieved fame, and then were never able to change back or grow. Every now and then he saw an exception, but that was so rare as to almost be missed.

Then he saw a young girl, also filled with talents, which even though immature and undeveloped glowed brightly in and around her. She was unique in her form, yet as beautiful as the Adonis had been, and filled with life and love. He saw the young girl grow and go to college, become a mother, raise a family, work as a teacher and learn about life. He saw her make use of her many talents as they blossomed, and taste the desire that flowed around each. He saw that her talents were used, not for herself, but to help her interact with those around her. She used them for friends, her family, her students and even for strangers she met. Those talents that she was unable to use, instead of dying, seem to flow into the others, and become part of their talent.

He saw this woman at 70 years of age, seemingly much younger than her age. He saw her happy and smiling, and saw that those around her were also smiling and glowing. Only a few people knew her name, but all who knew her felt that they were happier and had a better life for having known her.

He then felt the presence of the woman near him, and felt again the flow of love to and from her. “No?” She smiled. “How about…”

From there he saw a long parade of what he had thought was desirable in life – Knowledge, Status, Toys, Entertainment, Recognition, Power… none of them seemed important, however, none of them even seemed real.

“You can have it all”, she said. “I give you the gift of everything. Pick as much and all of what you desire and I shall return you to the world and it will be yours”.

At that point the young man knew, and his face radiated a bright light as he smiled. “What I want is nothing”, he said, “because in nothing I have everything”. So enlightened, he closed his eyes, and simply breathed.

It would be easy to say that I understand what you are going through.  But of course, I can’t understand, can I?  It has to be unique to you.

People like to share their pain, but only in a way that makes them feel heroic.  Having that much hurt and pain, so that it feels like it is crippling you, and then being told that it is a “common” part of life that everybody experiences…well, that doesn’t work.

If it’s so commonplace and normal, what is wrong with me that makes it so hard?  No, my pain is no ordinary pain.  It’s like yours, only much worse. It has to be much worse-doesn’t it?

I remember sitting on my front porch over 20 years ago, my body aching and tears rolling down my face.  I was angry, lost, confused; my inability to act on what I suspected I should do, causing me incredible pain and frustration.  Worse, what I should do wasn’t clear to me at all, since every path seemed to lead to more pain and uncertainty.

And the doubts….

Was I sure what I felt was true?  Could it be a temporary feeling?

Was I being selfish?

Did I really have it good, but didn’t see that?

Would I be making it worse?

What was the purpose of life?  In other words, what was the point of it all?

Who was I?

I was doubting who I was, decisions I had made in the past, thoughts and feelings that flitted into my head, some very dark and dangerous.  I felt that if I let go, there would a be long slide into pitch black darkness.

As I sat, my body tensed up with the stress and my stomach hurt.  I had so many people I could talk to, but none seemed able to grasp the significance of my issue.  And, in reality, neither did I.  Panic, anxiety and fear have many forms, but no true form.  They exist outside the consciousness.

To avoid the deadly three, any solution was acceptable.  ANY solution……

Looking back now, I see how close I was to the edge, but the problems I faced now seem… well, pedestrian.  Common.  Usual.  I tell the story of what I went through and people nod and say, “Yeah.  I been there.”  And I, now seeing it through their eyes, agree.  It now is not even a good story.

So how did I survive that nightmare?

Well, it still exists.  If I want, I can close my eyes and put myself into that state of anger, fear, anxiety, panic, frustration…and helplessness.  It reminds me of what I can descend to, what hell I can create for myself, if I chose to do that.

On that dark night, I just got up and walked.  I walked aimlessly for a mile, before I even remembered to breathe. I remembered my breath, and how to breathe, and concentrated on the moment, the now that breathing demands. The world fell around me, as I walked and breathed, and became completely in the moment. In that moment, where fear and panic have no power, I experience calmness and peace.

Then, as I breathed, I realized I had to do two things.  First, I had to have gratitude.  I had to thank the universe for everything.  I realized that if I actually set out to do that with mindfulness, I would run out of life before I run out things I could be thankful for.  There would be no time for anything bad.

Second, I decided to forgive.  Not others, myself.  I forgave myself for things I had done, things I hadn’t done, and things I would do in the future.  I forgave myself.

I found that when you thank the universe and have gratitude, and have the peace that comes with forgiveness, then there is little room for fear, anxiety and panic.

You realize you will be okay.

And that’s good enough.