It would be easy to say that I understand what you are going through.  But of course, I can’t understand, can I?  It has to be unique to you.

People like to share their pain, but only in a way that makes them feel heroic.  Having that much hurt and pain, so that it feels like it is crippling you, and then being told that it is a “common” part of life that everybody experiences…well, that doesn’t work.

If it’s so commonplace and normal, what is wrong with me that makes it so hard?  No, my pain is no ordinary pain.  It’s like yours, only much worse. It has to be much worse-doesn’t it?

I remember sitting on my front porch over 20 years ago, my body aching and tears rolling down my face.  I was angry, lost, confused; my inability to act on what I suspected I should do, causing me incredible pain and frustration.  Worse, what I should do wasn’t clear to me at all, since every path seemed to lead to more pain and uncertainty.

And the doubts….

Was I sure what I felt was true?  Could it be a temporary feeling?

Was I being selfish?

Did I really have it good, but didn’t see that?

Would I be making it worse?

What was the purpose of life?  In other words, what was the point of it all?

Who was I?

I was doubting who I was, decisions I had made in the past, thoughts and feelings that flitted into my head, some very dark and dangerous.  I felt that if I let go, there would a be long slide into pitch black darkness.

As I sat, my body tensed up with the stress and my stomach hurt.  I had so many people I could talk to, but none seemed able to grasp the significance of my issue.  And, in reality, neither did I.  Panic, anxiety and fear have many forms, but no true form.  They exist outside the consciousness.

To avoid the deadly three, any solution was acceptable.  ANY solution……

Looking back now, I see how close I was to the edge, but the problems I faced now seem… well, pedestrian.  Common.  Usual.  I tell the story of what I went through and people nod and say, “Yeah.  I been there.”  And I, now seeing it through their eyes, agree.  It now is not even a good story.

So how did I survive that nightmare?

Well, it still exists.  If I want, I can close my eyes and put myself into that state of anger, fear, anxiety, panic, frustration…and helplessness.  It reminds me of what I can descend to, what hell I can create for myself, if I chose to do that.

On that dark night, I just got up and walked.  I walked aimlessly for a mile, before I even remembered to breathe. I remembered my breath, and how to breathe, and concentrated on the moment, the now that breathing demands. The world fell around me, as I walked and breathed, and became completely in the moment. In that moment, where fear and panic have no power, I experience calmness and peace.

Then, as I breathed, I realized I had to do two things.  First, I had to have gratitude.  I had to thank the universe for everything.  I realized that if I actually set out to do that with mindfulness, I would run out of life before I run out things I could be thankful for.  There would be no time for anything bad.

Second, I decided to forgive.  Not others, myself.  I forgave myself for things I had done, things I hadn’t done, and things I would do in the future.  I forgave myself.

I found that when you thank the universe and have gratitude, and have the peace that comes with forgiveness, then there is little room for fear, anxiety and panic.

You realize you will be okay.

And that’s good enough.