I was tired, frustrated, angry. In trying to accept everything that happened to me in life, I brought it in, but forgot to let it go. It built up upon me, layer by layer, until I was feeling crushed under the weight of all of it. What was the “It”? Expectations, responsibility, jealousy, worry, fear, hurt…all those feelings and emotions crept in, and I had simply forgot to let them go.

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A strong worker had decided to explore life elsewhere. An second associate expressed concern about the direction of the enterprise, and her fear of being older and lacking certainty-a certainty she wanted me to provide. Another associate felt angry over numerous issues, and both had announced with certainty (the only certainty that seemed to exist!) that the staff interaction was “dysfunctional”, and I was to blame for various reasons. Our workload was extremely busy, and I felt the strong need and expectations of our clients, who had become more like friends. Deadlines seemed to emerge from all quarters, some real and some imaginery; the imaginery deadlines the result of other people’s improperly managed stress, expectations and fear.

The Florida businesses had finally started to produce results, but needed care at this early stage. The New Jersey businesses were generating significant cash flow, and the workload had to be managed. The ever changing world also demanded that one eye be kept on the future, so that the businesses could grow and continue to develop. Websites, media presentations, virtual marketing, and all of the emerging ways to communicate with the potential clientele all had to be understood, implemented and managed.

Although the businesses were fairly successful, the nagging doubts circled like gnats on a warm summer day. Was this all going to fall apart tomorrow, due to some mistake, change in the law, unforeseen problem? Was this really the right direction to take? Could we have done better if we had gone in another direction? Was one business taking on too many resources and not producing the right results? What steps should we be taking to make sure we had the best future?

The nagging doubts about the businesses were actually the easier doubts to handle, as they kept me from the bigger questions that threatened to overwhelm me. Why was I doing this? How did this enhance my life? What was my view of life, and how did this fit in to that view? My family issues were complex, as all seem to be. I had made friends in numerous places around the world, but there never seemed to be enough time to spend with them. Some people accepted the time constraints, but others placed (well intentioned) pressure on me to spend time with them. Sometimes that pressure was placed internally by me, on myself.

I felt the weight of responsibility on me for friends, staff, clients, family-a weight that should have been acknowledged and let go, but instead settled into a comfortable position on me. For some people my responsibility was financial, for others it was resolving their issues; some needed emotional support, while others wanted assurances that the future would be okay (I consistently felt short on that one!). The decisions I made each day seemed to impact on one or more of these perceived responsibilities, and I began to listen to the criticism of those people impacted by my decisions. It built up into a vicious cycle, as I started to make decisions and take actions based on what others wanted, on what others feared.

I forgot everything I had learned. I didn’t acknowledge it and let it go, instead I let it all build up until it seemed to threaten my existence and my sanity. I was not going to let that happen. Something had to give.

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I blew up.

That really is the only word for it. I released all the negative feelings and energy that I had accumulated in a barrage of angry words and actions, while withdrawing into a self pitying state that dared anybody to venture near me. For an entire day I was filled with anger and hateful thoughts, as I was getting emotionally ready to wreck havoc on those who did not appreciate me, had used me, had created the situation that had caused all this pressure and pain. I wanted vengence for every perceived slight, pressure, obligation, and harm that had been placed on me, whether real or imaginery. It was ugly, it was brutal…

….it was exhausting.

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That night I sat in silence, worn out by my day of childish behavior. I felt deep down how harmful it was to have kept those feelings bottled up, and how silly I was for acting with so much anger and rage for a whole day. It had only temporarily eased the pressure; I was aware that it was slowly creeping back. If I did nothing it would simply cause a repeat of my day’s foolishness, and continue to repeat with more and more frequency.

I had some work to do.

Luckily, my day blowing up had been mostly internal; I had not taken the external steps to carry out my imagined vengence! A few people close to me had felt the change in my mood, and I would have to reach out for them. To the rest of the world I would engage with compassion, love and peace, for both them and me.

My first step was to forgive myself, and realize I was human. I let go of this negative period, and allowed myself to move on. The next step was to sit and breathe, and fill my heart and soul with gratitude. There is so much to be thankful for, and so much going on in the world that deserves our compassion. I wanted that to be my base, and I breathed into that state.

I then mentally went through all of the things that had created the pressure, whether people, thoughts, emotions, fears, circumstances, obligations…whatever had created the weight and pressure that had caused me to withdraw and then blow up. They had been real to me, and if I did not let them go then they would stay and continue their mischief. I looked at each one as a gift, an expression of love from some higher power that had been given to me as a guide. I acknowledged the gift, mentally noted what it was trying to tell me, then sent it on its way. I understood that those messages were a subtle way of letting me know that changes were ready to happen in my life, and that I had to let the changes happen. The accumulated baggage, the weight of my past and the weight of an expected future, had no place in my life.

I now sit and breathe, filled with gratitude and love, and open to whatever the day brings. I will follow my path and take the steps, but I will not take the past with me. I will live for today, and always try to remember to forget.