The darkness came to me last night; it was as though an indigo cloak was billowing over my life, threatening to land everywhere and nowhere specifically. When I tried to focus on an area that was threatened with its cover, the darkness would billow up and float away, but it stayed…hovering over, making no part of life safe from its future touch.

I had somehow misplaced my shell, that hard protective wall I had created over the many years of my life to keep the darkness at bay. I was suddenly vulnerable.

Where was the sun, the brightness of life? Was this my personal eclipse, temporary but all encompassing, where happiness would be kept at bay for only a little while? Or was this real, and the brightness I usually felt only due to my denial of what I refused to feel?

This was different from any time before; this time there was no fear. No fear. I was not afraid, nor was there any element of anger or loathing. In fact, my life seemed to be unaffected by the darkness. This was not a call to change my life, or to do something different, or for me to act in a certain way in the future. This was not fear.

This was sadness.

Sadness that my mother is old. Sadness that I may not have helped my children as best I could. Sadness that people I know do not get along with each other. Sadness that people are leaving my life; some quickly, some drifting away slowly, day by day.

Sadness that people in my life are hurting, and I may not be aware of it. Sadness that I may be the cause of the pain some people feel. Sadness that I have not done enough in my life, to ease the suffering of those around me.

Sadness that all this will end. Life will end. I will end.

Real sadness. Gut wrenching sadness, where tears can’t come and I can’t accept their relief, this is something that demands to be felt.

Along with the sadness comes compassion, understanding of all the people who are afraid, fearful, angry, hurt, and see no way out of it but more anger and hate. The feelings and emotions roll over me, and I feel the anger, experience the hurt. I wish it could all go away with a hug, but life isn’t quite that easy. Life has to be this way, and it has to be felt.

With the dawn, gray though it is, the sadness suddenly seems to lift, and the cloak of darkness drifts up and dissipates. We are only people, and we can only do our best. That our best may not be good enough at times has to be accepted-there will be sadness.

I see my shell. I see how it is wrong, it provides a false sense of reality, one that offers me freedom from sadness and suffering. I know it offers a life that is not real.
I am grateful to crawl back into it.